Retirement, pending

Tomorrow, I am going to get fired. I have never been fired (like, truly-really-seriously fired) from a job, so I guess I can cross this off my bucket list and die in a state of unadulterated glee.

The all-new Data Entry Attendance Policy, to be implemented Monday, states that, no excused absences will be permitted in the event of illness (including sick children/family members), or natural disasters (including when thousands of tornadoes simultaneously attack my house specifically [Dear God, I apologize for that Zombie Jesus comment] and I must heroically save the dog), or in any other circumstance in which the absence has not been approved by the US government. (This is only a very, very, super-very slight exaggeration).

If I am sick, I have to get a doctor’s note, like in elementary school. If I am sick for three days or more, I have to have a doctor’s “authorization” which states that I am “physically able to perform my job”. Data entry. Like, we sit and type at computers. It takes hands and about 2 brain cells. I don’t even understand what this means.

I Don’t Even Understand What This MEANS.

I have limits, people. I would like to take these final moments of employment to establish: I have, throughout these weeks of extreme temp abuse, remained calm and quiet(ish); restrained all potential outbursts (even after they fired the co-worker who shot rubber bands at me from across the room => infinite tragedy). I might even have let this attendance policy pass (for a few weeks, until I could bring myself to break off my affair with Paychecks <3333333). But requiring my signature? Explicit approval is asking too much.

Unemployment here I come! For tomorrow night:

I plan to specifically target the above-mentioned two brain cells (take that Data Entry). Wish me luck.