The people around me have taken over generating new life missions. The Im implemented Singing Saturday (kind of the best idea ever) which entails emailing a new song every (surprise!) Saturday. I have decided to post songs here so that my (millions of) fans can have a happier, more inspiring Singing Sunday (Night; oh well) too. This is for you:

Im:  Matt and Kim “Cameras”

Me:  Oh Land “Sun of a Gun”

My dad started Operation Crossword Puzzle, and we are now on a strict schedule. He begins the latest Plain Dealer (newspaper) crossword after I go to bed. I find it at my place in the morning and add to it. My latest contribution: Babar. (Babar!<3!<3!)

Madre spent most of the weekend away at a craft show. I took this opportunity to clean the house, and buy her flowers. I will be immortalized forever as World Champion Daughter.

My view from the park this afternoon (another mission – to find the best cripple-safe outdoor reading spot):

Current book: The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks (read it!)

[I should also mention that I did not get fired. So disappointingly anti-climatic. Instead, almost everyone else was laid off. My dad has determined that this is all one large psych experiment. I think someone with too much power is on drugs - lots of drugs. TBD. But for the time being, I am still obliged to earn money. At least now I get my own stapler (my life is Office Space). Stay tuned.]

The all-new Data Entry Attendance Policy, to be implemented Monday, states that, no excused absences will be permitted in the event of illness (including sick children/family members), or natural disasters (including when thousands of tornadoes simultaneously attack my house specifically [Dear God, I apologize for that Zombie Jesus comment] and I must heroically save the dog), or in any other circumstance in which the absence has not been approved by the US government. (This is only a very, very, super-very slight exaggeration).

If I am sick, I have to get a doctor’s note, like in elementary school. If I am sick for three days or more, I have to have a doctor’s “authorization” which states that I am “physically able to perform my job”. Data entry. Like, we sit and type at computers. It takes hands and about 2 brain cells. I don’t even understand what this means.

I Don’t Even Understand What This MEANS.

I have limits, people. I would like to take these final moments of employment to establish: I have, throughout these weeks of extreme temp abuse, remained calm and quiet(ish); restrained all potential outbursts (even after they fired the co-worker who shot rubber bands at me from across the room => infinite tragedy). I might even have let this attendance policy pass (for a few weeks, until I could bring myself to break off my affair with Paychecks <3333333). But requiring my signature? Explicit approval is asking too much.

Unemployment here I come! For tomorrow night:

I plan to specifically target the above-mentioned two brain cells (take that Data Entry). Wish me luck.

• Operation Sunday Waffles (priority 1),
• Operation Spring Cleaning (in which, I will, theoretically, reduce my belongings down to something manageable),
• Operation Slave-to-Money (aka employment),
• Operation Cure Cancer (yes),
• Operation Im Adventures (in which I go on fascinating adventures [usually to Rocky River. again] and write brilliant blog posts for the entertainment of Ims everywhere),
• Operation Self Sufficiency (things like, laundry, or, cleaning. sometimes. maybe.)

Left by myself, I do not claim to have any sense of reason or balance.

Operation Muscles of Steel included going to the park this weekend, where I combined cardio with caffeine and cookies (this is called “multitasking”). Genius. And the 100 push-up challenge, which is kicking my ass predictably, but I can do 30 push-ups now. Tell me I am not pro (you are a LIAR).

Operation Computer Genius continued at Caribou in Rocky River – reading for PHP class. (Shirley came too!) Instead of completing my reading efficiently, I spent the time augmenting the scope of my many, many on-going missions.

OCG now includes: free Harvard course on Dynamic Web Sites and reading HTML 5. Instead of completing any of these, I will likely add action items and draft official Operation outlines. Another picture to distract you:

Still, the best part of this week – discussing Iran Awakening with a roomful of 70-year-old alums (with attitude). Fantastic. Spider sitings have dwindled down to a bearable level. Life <3. Operation Slave-to-Money continues tomorrow with another riveting day of data entry. Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

(hold on to your stuffed animals)

Trauma Count (4/11-4/17)

- Spider sitings: 2 in the last eight hours => infinite in the last 7 days.

I named one particularly frightening spider Frank in an attempt to slightly decrease my feelings of ever expanding terror, and then, mother squashed him. I feel that naming spiders and then leading them to their demise (indirectly or directly) is somehow worse for my karma than anonymous spidercide.

- Dentist visits (one of the few things more terrifying than spiders): 1

- Novocaine shots (anesthesia, please?): enough to keep the left side of my face too numb to eat chocolate chip cookies (to spawn thousands of additional cavities, leading to yet more self pity, in an endless, inescapable cycle of life tragedy) for two hours.

- Surprise medical bills: 2

- Sense of humor regarding medical bills (surprise or otherwise):

- Hours worked at data entry temp job: 40

Received: one Rebate-For-Jesus suggesting I find religion; a mountain of forms from “Brenda”, whose life purpose is to successfully procure a free glucose meter; and 5 money-back requests from people who swear the mouthwash made their tongue turn black, permanently destroyed their taste buds, rendered their sink forever purple, or, in some other way, irreparably damaged their life.

- Debates over transgender rights initiated before 9am: 1 (in hindsight, this was really not a good idea)

- Im’s lost to the other side OF THE UNIVERSE: 1  OR  Individuals currently willing to make me waffles: 0

In conclusion, I have decided I have a right to coffee dependency by virtue of the spider count (=INFINITY) alone. At least I can eat cookies now.

Other sources of salvation:

- the dog that sat at the table across from me in Erie Island Coffee yesterday (<3);

- the re-appearance of Jay at work (who has no idea he is my future BFFL, nor that he will ultimately supplant the racist 23-year-old who insists on sitting at my lunch table);

- managing to make my own waffles with minimal disaster;

- and finally, solidarity with one Sasha-the-Siberian-Husky-Dog, who spent the week hiding her nose (husky moping):

Everyone misses the Im!

To Thai 1, which finished yesterday. Adjon Noi (best teacher ever):

I am going to miss this class a lot. Now, I can sort of talk to Grit sometimes, which is how we ended up watching Jackass over dinner (not really recommended). Hilarious.

To the Best Friend Library to see Thiha Yarzar, a Burmese refugee and political activist. He was imprisoned and tortured in Burma for almost 18 years of his life. You can read his story here.

To give alms (= milk boxes) to the monks this morning (Buddhist Lent ended yesterday):

To the bus station, where we will be catching a bus to Nakhonsawan this Thursday to start the next segment of our SE Asia trip.

- Nakhonsawan -> Krabi 10/29

- Krabi -> Malaysia 11/10

- Malaysia -> Indonesia (TBA)

(at coffee in love)

(at pai canyon)

(at the memorial bridge)

(at the bamboo bridge)

(driving home.)

Thai intensive language class begins at 9am every week day, which has prompted me to learn two very important  Thai phrases: ronghai! (crying!) and na song san (to feel sorry for oneself). That pretty much covers any routine which requires me to wake up at 7am.

At 8am, I eat Thai breakfast (read: feast) – patango (fried dough) with nam tohu (sweetened soy milk), and 2 toppings on rice (I am already planning tom ka gai = coconut soup, and vegetables = pak, for tomorrow). The breakfast man is my new best friend. Then, to Payap far far away in the opposite far far corner of Chiang Mai. I have permanent motorcycle butt but I like it – the air is perfect in the morning.

Today’s lesson: food (THANK YOU). Class is basically kindergarten and comes complete with lots of picture printouts of animals and people brushing their teeth, and recess, except with Sewen Elewen instead of a playground. At 711, every day, my classmates (who are hilarious) buy things like “hot dog sandwiches” and Winny the Pooh red-flavored drink (which comes with its own shoulder strap).

Adjon Noi – my teacher! – exclaims Thai words with infinite enthusiasm.  Her high tone hits a pitch only dogs can hear.  And she punctuates all her actions by announcing “ding! dong!” (one classmate, on the first day, inquired – what exactly does “ding! dong!” mean? Well, nothing of course!) Clearly, I heart her.

We didn’t volunteer at Care for Dogs yesterday, so:

We went part-way up the mountain, without sliding all the way back down backwards (irrational fears), to Huay Keaw Waterfall. I climbed up rocks, with my bionic leg (and maybe a hand from Im), and no natural disasters or other inexplicable tragedies occurred (irrational fears). So much pride.

Convinced of my invincibility, today I drove the motorcycle with Im on back, on a road with curves (invincibility) and slid backwards down a hill (irrational fears). More practice.

Homework? (ronghai!)

My new favorite thing: homemade muesli and yogurt with fruit at Bird’s Nest Cafe, and a latte. Apparently, the same 6 or so friends/workers (?) just hang around the small cafe (seemingly using up all the bandwidth on the free wifi) every day. One (the owner maybe?) spent yesterday playing chess with his left hand and, adding to the wall mural with his right (so impressed). I don’t really understand yet, but I like my muesli.

In the morning, we were sworn in as official volunteers for Care for Dogs. After orientation (petting 160 dogs, approximately), we took a few dogs for a walk along with James from Australia, another new volunteer. My favorite jumping dog (“Malago”) walked herself, escorting us through the woods to a small pond, disappearing at intervals to sprint around uninhibited.

We watched documentaries (esp. recommend “In The Middle of The Bridge: Burmese Monks in Foreign Lands”) and participated in a Q & A session with three Burmese monks (another Best Friend’s Library event). The monks ended by telling us a joke – I am sort of in love. We attended a lecture on democracy. We made friends with a retired-expat-amateur-Burmese-activist-who-loves-Hanoi. We attended lunch with more new friends, aka Team Chiang Mai, and completed our first translating job for Amnesty International (well, Im translated, I edited).

Not bad for 40 hours without dessert (but I am already planning kanum pang at Mont tomorrow).

(http://www.thebestfriend.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/105.jpg)

Burmese monks led the walk, chanting the entire way. People wore face masks, hats, and sunglasses to remain anonymous in photos. Im was interviewed by the Democratic Voice for Burma. Here we are being famous:

(http://www.thebestfriend.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/50.jpg)

Later, the Dessert Tour continued at La Genoise:

Where we consumed chocolate cake (“Costa Rica”), and lemon meringue cake.

Definitely the best cake we’ve had in Chiang Mai (more people should visit).

Followed by honey milk, and mashed potatoes and garlic bread (sometimes I eat things other than dessert, I swear; hi mom), at Milk Garden. The proof:

This is the thing for conThai to eat at Milk Garden. The Im was skeptical (she ordered fried rice). I happily chose conformity.

I went to Payap University to register for intensive Thai. For placement, a teacher attempted to have a conversation with me: Can you speak Thai? (Pud dai nid noi ka = “I can speak a little”) What is your name? Chue Kim ka. We got to “Where are you from?” and that’s when it became clear that all the words I know involve ordering food. The only word I can effectively read, as a word, not letter by letter is: roti (survival skills, go figure). Thai 1 starts on Monday.

The librarians recommended lunch:

(bean soup and chicken and potato curry – soo good)

I spent many hours learning Thai via Jenga (the best way) at the Free Bird Cafe (with my coconut milk cinnamon mocha – ridiculous). On the way home, we decided to walk around a few temples we saw from the road:

We went on a ruins-seeking mission, where we mostly got lost and rode the motorcycle in circles.

And we consumed the best cocoa of all time at Heart Made Patisserie.

The red shirts are protesting today on the fourth anniversary of the coup that removed Thaksin from office. Near the best place for cow mon gai (chicken over rice), they’ve been selling red-colored shirts, rallying. In a long email from the US Consulate – detailing the many, many ways in which I could die a terrible death in Thailand – I have been told to stay home (or at least away from tourist locations).

Coincidentally, Chiang Mai is also having Car Free Day (the events are planned for the same areas as the red shirt protests…). So maybe we’ll walk to Wawee, where Im will be meeting with an expat who may want to learn Thai! Otherwise, I am planning a GRE practice test from home (which I am strangely excited about).